


You Are Not Alone

by KingMoron



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect - Various Authors, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, One Shot, Panic Attacks, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-02-17 04:34:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13069239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingMoron/pseuds/KingMoron
Summary: Pathfinders are trained to improve the viability of potential planets, initiate first contact with unknown species, find suitable outpost sites, and handle any external threats before the first colonist touches soil. The presence of a Pathfinder is a reassurance that a planet can be settled safely and with a high expectation of success.But what if the pathfinder was neither trained or prepared at what kind of emotional baggage you will have to drag through this mess of a new dangerous galaxy? Is he doomed to face his inner demons all by himself or are there maybe others who will not leave his side?





	You Are Not Alone

**Author's Note:**

> The story takes place after the salarian ark was rescued and right before the pathfinder team will discover the secrets of Meridian.  
> This one shot presents my interest in the mental state of the human pathfinder dealing with the death of his father, his sister in the coma and the ongoing adventure mixed with the huge responsibility he has to take care of with his new job.  
> And of course you have sweet Gil Brodie in it.  
> 'nuff said. 
> 
> English is not my first language

_Pathfinders are trained to improve the viability of potential planets, initiate first contact with unknown species, find suitable outpost sites, and handle any external threats before the first colonist touches soil. The presence of a Pathfinder is a reassurance that a planet can be settled safely and with a high expectation of success._

A job description which promised you the adventure you may had searched for all your life. Painting a pretty picture of discovery, survival and safety. No matter what kind of species you had to represent, with your presence on a new potential homeworld everything would be possible.

Would have been possible.  
~~Could probably not be possible.~~

In reality the Andromeda Initiative had no idea how the role of a pathfinder was not enough to ensure a new life on a dying planet. The arks were missing, pathfinders were lost and outposts had been swallowed by the hostility of the new galaxy.  
A true nightmare for many who had their hopes up for a new beginning, a new life.

Alec Ryder.  
The human pathfinder who was remarkable in keeping a cool head in battle with his N7 training, died right after setting foot on the promised golden world for his species. He could have lived on, could have used his god damn experience to at least be a potential leader in all this chaos but decided to sacrifice himself for his own son.  
This at least was how his own flesh and blood would have described him.

Scott Ryder was his name and after nearly dying on Habitat 7, the promised golden world, he woke up to such terrible news which made him want to travel back in time to change everything. First off was his twin sister in a coma for undetermined time after ark Hyperion crashed into an unknown energy phenomenon and her cryo pod was damaged within this incident. Then his father suffocated right in front of his very own eyes after they tried to escape the new human homeworld and to top all of this the pathfinder business was transferred to him. Him. A recon specialist who used to watch over the mass effect relay Arcturus Station back in the Milky Way, hired by the Systems Alliance military.  
He was just a soldier trained for guard duty and not a born leader to handle all of this ‘discover a new dangerous galaxy‘ bullshit. Yes he was looking forward to the adventure and knew of the risks coming with it but he would have never agreed to fill the role of a pathfinder.  
This should have not been him. His father was the experienced one. The young man himself never even went under training for such an situation. Cora Harper, human biotic with remarkable training of an asari huntress, was next in line but in the end everything was too late. There was no turning back. No traveling back in time.

Scott was able to deal with it somehow. Running away was no option and he was determined to not let his sister down or the entire Initiative. Andromeda, the Heleus cluster, this. This was now their new home and he had better pulled his shit together to start searching for solid ground for colonists to thrive.

However, the thoughts of loosing everything and the fear of failure haunted him. His mind kept him restless at nights. So he found himself fully awake, sitting on his bed, staring out of the huge windows right into the endless void of stars. He felt like he could tell them everything, open himself up and expose the suffering pain which gathered inside of his mind and body.  
Numb fingertips. Heavy breathing. Cold sweat running down his spine.  
He was ready to yell right at those beautiful beautiful stars.

No answers shall ever come.  
It was just this endless void filled with stars.

A lot had already happened until this very moment. He had his little successes with gathering allies, discovering step for step the secrets of the mysterious remnant vaults, deploying new outposts and securing an alliance with the new discovered alien species called the Angaran.  
But was it enough?  
Many still did not trust him and his decisions. Called it hierarchy that his father just let him take the lead because he was his son. Was it really that reason? How should they know what exactly happened, what his true intention was? Both of them were dying, suffocating. Without the transfer of the role and the full control of the partner AI called SAM his sister would have woken up to a true nightmare of losing everything she loved.  
This simple connection over an implant kept him alive and walking.  
However, even this seemed to only strengthen the distrust of many since in the end the human pathfinders AI was pretty unique with it‘s powers over his physical condition, advancing it in a way one might never thought could be possible.  
Completely illegal back in the Milky Way but necessary to reach the goal of creating a new home and securing the life of the colonists.

So much depended on him. So many people just did not realize what was at stake, what he had to sacrifice.  
No one would remember how his efforts to activate remnant vaults, to restore viability on the planets could kill him so easily. Outrunning the decontamination process of an huge energy cloud every damn time he touched those consoles deep deep under the ground of each thriving planet.  
Or would they?  
Maybe he was just paranoid and too focused on expecting the worst. Anyways, he was not alone in this. His whole crew was right by his side, each and every one skilled in one way or another, ready to give everything to fight for a new home. This felt like a little family, watching over him granting him support. Tho, why was it so hard to accept a helping hand? It should not be that way.

Heavy breathing, more cold sweat running down his back. His chest nearly bursting, with every breath his heart right at his lungs.  
He could not... He was not... How could he...  
What is wrong with him?

„ _Pathfinder. It seems that your heart rate is dangerously high and stress levels reached their maximum. Should I alert Dr. T‘Perro and send her a full report on your status?_ “

Suddenly SAM raised his programmed voice out of nowhere, ripping the pathfinder out of his trance. Irritated he managed to break eye contact with this endless void right outside his personal quarters. With a soft sigh he rubbed his hands over his tired face, feeling the exhaustion with every little move of his limbs. „ _N-No. No. Don‘t. I‘m.... I‘m okay._ “, he answered softly before taking a deep breath, trying to calm his shaking body down. „ _Are you sure about this, pathfinder? Dr. T‘Perro asked me to inform her about any physical or mental change to prevent further stress or pain-!_ “

„ _I‘m fine, god dammit!!!_ “ Heavy breathing, more cold sweat running down his back. His chest nearly bursting, with every breath his heart right at his lungs.  
He could not... He was not... How could he...  
What is wrong with him?

 

Silence.  
Exhausted breathing. A little sigh.

„ _I‘m sorry SAM. I didn't meant to yell at you. I think I just need something to drink... do we still got tea left?_ “  
„ _Dr. Anwar keeps a supply stock of tea in the kitchen for emergencies since replenishing would be impossible until we find a reliable source of plants, which could be harvested for the use of tea, in the Heleus cluster_.“  
„ _Good. That‘s all I need right now. But please don‘t wake anyone up. I‘m fine, I promise. I can handle this_.“  
„ _Understood, pathfinder._ “

The AI was right. He should have called for Lexi. Should have let her run diagnostics over his brain, searching for a reason why he was freaking out by his own. Tho he did not wanted to bother her or anyone else.  
This was his own problem to solve, he could manage this somehow! Right?

After he crawled out of his bed and slipped into his hoodie he walked right over to the kitchen and scrambled in the cupboard for the little box labeled ‚tea‘ and ‚Do not touch! - Suvi‘ on it. He made a mental note to remember telling her that he is very sorry but this was an emergency and went on making himself a nice cup of earth tea.  
Earth.  
Something he would never see again. Something he barely knew since growing up on the Citadel didn‘t grant him many chances to leave for an earth trip that often-! No. Stop.  
Before he would stumble over such depressing thoughts again he decided to just leave it be and enjoy his damn tea. Maybe a change of his surroundings would help so he continued his restless night with heading right over to the drive core of the Tempest in the engineering room. A place where the soft sound of the humming core echoed through the air. Somewhere to remind him of the power of his scout ship running through this heart of tech, representing the development of an engineers dream and mastermind. Right here he even found himself dwelling on fond memories, happy moments. This was the spot where he met Gil for the first time.

Gil Brodie.  
Chief engineer of the Tempest. Talented, precise at his job. A charming personality with a big heart hiding under his uniform. Brutal mastermind at poker but at the same time the right friend whenever you felt like you needed someone to lighten up your day. A man Scott never knew he would develop feelings for...  
The first time he met him he could not hold it back to greet him with a soft flirt, looking out for any discomfort he might have called upon him. But no. He was hitting the right spot with that.  
It went on like this throughout his whole journey where he used his free time between missions to stop by and have a little chat over and over again which resolved in him getting attached to this guy.  
Shit, the first time he had noticed how he got a big crush on the engineer made him want to just melt away into a puddle, that‘s how embarrassed he felt.  
Gil seemed to have no problem with that and after their first kiss, which had happened pretty spontaneous and in front of a hell lot of people (especially his best friend Jill), things went just their way and here Scott was now. In a new galaxy with a way too handsome boyfriend.  
From time to time he could not stop smiling by just thinking about it but... he still had the problem of not opening up enough to the engineer. Just like right now.

With a soft sigh he sat down on one of the crates in the engineering room, sipping on his fresh tea and listening in for the mechanical humming of the core engine.  
Soothing, warmth and... nothing else. Something was missing. Scott was missing this soft smile, these strong arms, the sound of a cheesy chuckle.  
He kind of regretted it now to not have let Gil sleep in his quarters since he still wanted to wait with the big reveal to the rest of the crew until the whole situation was a bit calmer. Through all the fighting for a new home business everyone was crowded with work anyways. Tho at the same time he really would have felt extremely uncomfortable if Gil would have witnessed his little breakdown. No. There was no way he would drag his beloved down this road.  
Scott was the pathfinder god dammit! A symbol of hope and strength. Discovery. Safety. Not an emotional mess which could not even find his sleep at nights. That‘s what he told himself at least. He believed that probably his father suffered the same issues but through his experience in the N7 program, the first contact war and the loss of his wife he had to be made of stone to not crumble down. Scott on the other hand could not stop crying for a few days straight after his mother died. Emotions were always hard to handle for him even with his sister backing him up. Sara... maybe she could understand? No, no, no. He did not wanted to drag anyone into this! He had to be strong, he had to handle himself on his fucking own, he-!

„ _Scott? What are you doing here?_ “

With shocked eyes the pathfinder sat straight up on the crate he was resting on, looking for the sudden interruption of his thoughts. It was Gil, standing in the doorway, fully clothed and ready to continue his work. Scott wondered why he was up this late but then immediately feared that his plan, to hide his personal problems, would fail right away and this pretty picture the other might had of him would be ruined right before they would take this relationship to the next level.  
Fast now. He had to come up with something to talk himself out of this situation.

He was good at talking, right?

„ _I.. uh... oh hey Gil! I was just... uhm... taking a break of... you know...!_ “  
„ _Sleeping?_ “

Or maybe not.  
  
Gil crossed his arms, standing right in front of the pathfinder and giving him a not convinced look.  
„ _Yes! I was taking a break of sleeping! And... and.... you don‘t believe me, right?_ “  
The engineer sighed softly as an answer, shook his head and sat down right next to the sleep deprived man.  
„ _You are a terrible liar and horrible at bluffing, you know that?_ “  
Another sigh.  
„ _I know, Gil. I know._ “  
Scott took a deep breath, avoiding eye contact while feeling so ashamed of himself. Why couldn‘t he just tell him the truth? Immense fear was growing inside of him, festering like a lingering virus, ready to spread out, stealing his breath and pinning him down to the worst expectations.  
However, he suddenly felt a warm hand laying down on his shoulder, tender eyes watching over him from the side.  
„ _Hey, I feel it that something is definitely wrong. You know you can talk to me anytime, ok? I would be a pretty horrible boyfriend if not._ “  
„ _No. I‘m fine! I‘m... fine. Everything is under control so don‘t worry about me. Please._ “  
„ _Uh. Nope. That makes me worry even more. Do you even know what time it is?_ “  
„ _Yes? Midnight, right?_ “  
A concerned look confronted him.  
„ _Ryder, No. It‘s 0500. You completely have lost your sense of time. If you don‘t want to talk, ok I get it. But please consider checking in with the Doc! Lexi knows probably how to handle your stuff better than maybe I do-_ “  
„ _Gil, No! Stop that! Stop saying that!_ “

The warm hand was lost, the body drenched in cold sweat jumped up from the crate, leaving the tea mug behind. Scott was furious. Scared. Irritated.  
„ _Why do you even care, Gil? I‘m the pathfinder, the leader around here and I know how to fucking handle my problems. It‘s not your job to make sure I can control my sense of time and even Lexi has better things to do than to worry her head even more about my already crappy vitals, because guess what, I seem to be pretty good at dying and coming back to life at the same time!_ “  
His lungs started to hurt, he sounded so soar. His face felt so warm and his eyes felt like they would plop out any moment. Thick tears started to roll down burning cheeks. The pathfinder shook his head over, over and over again.  
„ _I‘m fine god dammit! I need to take care of this myself, Gil!_ “  
Soft sobbing echoed through the room.  
However, before he could protest even more the engineer already was up on his feet, pulling the other into his arms, holding him close while stroking with one hand his soft hair.  
„ _No, Gil. Please I-_ “  
„ _Shush now, Ryder. Just shut up for the moment and listen._ “  
Silence, only sobs interrupted the humming sound of the engine.  
Scott excepted it that he was defeated. It was impossible to hide anything from Gil, so he just listened.  
„ _Look I know I‘m not the best at holding speeches on board but please trust me that I will always listen to you. No matter what is on your mind you are not alone in this. Pathfinder or not... Everyone would be ready to give you any sort of support you need. We are all your friends here not just random colleagues on a space station._ “  
„ _What if I fail? What if everything goes wrong and I am to blame for all the shitty mess that I gonna leave behind? We can‘t just travel another 600 Years back to the milky way just because one pathfinder didn‘t do his job right!_ “  
„ _Listen to yourself for a moment this is just nuts what you are saying. Even if you should fail your whole crew will stand behind you no matter what and damn right will I make sure this stays that way. Whatever happens I won‘t let you down. Yes, you are the pathfinder but that doesn't mean you have to do everything by yourself. The whole initiative works only together as one big team. We are a team. You and me both, Scott._ “  
„ _But-!_ “  
„ _Nah-ah! I said shush!_ “  
Gil sighed softly and shook his head before he cupped Ryder‘s face with both hands, looking pretty serious at him.  
„ _What are you?_ “  
Scott was a little irritated by this sudden question until only one logical answer came up his mind.  
„ _An idiot sandwich?_ “  
A soft chuckle left the engineers lips. Softly stroking the others tears away.  
„ _That too but no. You are just a person. No mater if human, turian, krogan, asari or hell even angaran. All of us can feel overwhelmed from time to time. That‘s just life kicking us real hard in the guts to make us feel extremely miserable. but you know what? To fight against it you don‘t have to be alone. Family. Friends... Loved ones... we are all standing by your side to make sure that you gonna kick back way harder to stand your ground and looking up again instead of... well.. your guts? Wait, does this even make any sense?_ “  
Both had to chuckle softly.  
„ _Trust me, ok? I‘ve got your back and it‘s perfectly fine that you are afraid of the future. Hell if I would have to do your job I would have been gone crazy so fast._ “  
Gil joked softly to lighten up the mood and it worked. Scott‘s hands stopped shaking, his tears softly faded away and he was just so glad that his lover was here. With him.  
Instead of giving any verbal answer right away he took the opportunity to wrap his arms around the others head and leaning in for a soft kiss.  
Lips touching. Tongues intertwining. A soft moan lighting up the room.  
„ _Thank you, Gil_.“  
A soft whisper disconnected the passionate exchange. A lovely grin greeted the pathfinders face.  
„ _What would I do without you?_ “  
He sighed out and leaned his forehead against the others, closing his eyes.  
„ _Well, you never gonna find that out. But next time you tell me right away if something is on your mind, promise?_ “  
„ _I promise.“_

Another kiss. Longer than the one before. Scott truly was happy that instead of his mind his heart was leading him. It just felt so right, so comfy, so... safe. Everything what Gil said to him was true. He was not alone. No one was ever alone. The only one keeping you closed off was merely yourself. It is not always easy to open up to others but once you have found the right person to talk to there is nothing stopping you from your way to reach the horizon again instead of dwelling in the dark.

You are never alone.

The pathfinder lost track of time by how long he was just standing there together with Gil, exchanging kisses and giggles. Eventually he accompanied him to his quarters to make sure he would get some rest, while letting SAM inform Lexi about his conditions.  
Scott felt like such a weight was lifted from his shoulders and he was so glad that he decided to be vulnerable. Whatever might happen in the future, he was ready for it.  
Andromeda was a new beginning and he was not alone with it.


End file.
